Understanding Gaslighting
A Personal Journey
Gaslighting, a term that has seeped into our everyday language, refers to a form of psychological manipulation where a person is made to doubt their own reality, memory, or perceptions. It’s a tactic that can be subtle yet deeply insidious, leading to confusion, loss of confidence, and a sense of craziness. It took me years to realize that a friend, someone I had known and trusted, might have been gaslighting me.
My Experience with a Long-Time Friend
For years, I had this friend — let’s call her Jane. Jane was someone I valued deeply, shared my thoughts with, and turned to for advice. However, I started noticing a disturbing pattern. Every time I left her company, I felt inexplicably bad about myself and my life. It wasn’t the kind of transient feeling you might get after a tough conversation; it was a deep-seated sense of inadequacy and self-doubt.
The Subtle Signs
At first, I brushed these feelings off, attributing them to my own insecurities. But then, I started paying closer attention to our interactions. Jane had a way of undermining my experiences. If I shared a problem, she’d often dismiss it or suggest I was overreacting. When I was happy about an achievement, she’d find a way to downplay it or attribute it to luck. It was subtle — there were no outright insults or arguments — but over time, it chipped away at my confidence.
Was it Gaslighting?
This led me to question: Was Jane gaslighting me? Gaslighting often involves undermining someone’s reality to the point where they doubt their own sanity. In my case, Jane’s constant dismissal and subtle negativities made me question my judgments and feelings. She never directly said I was wrong or crazy, but the implications were there.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves manipulating someone to doubt their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. The term originated from the 1938 play “Gas Light,” where a husband manipulates his wife to the point where she doubts her own sanity.
Recognizing Gaslighting
Recognizing gaslighting can be challenging, especially when it comes from someone close. Here are some signs:
- Constant Second-Guessing: If you find yourself doubting your memory or feelings after interactions with a person, it might be a red flag.
- Feeling Inadequate: Consistently feeling inadequate or incompetent after spending time with someone could indicate gaslighting.
- Withholding Information: Gaslighters often withhold information, and then accuse you of misunderstanding when you bring up your concerns.
- Trivializing Your Feelings: If someone consistently trivializes your feelings or experiences, it’s a form of gaslighting.
- Denying Wrongdoing: Gaslighters often deny they said or did something, even when you have evidence to the contrary.
Coping with Gaslighting
- Trust Your Feelings: Start by trusting your feelings and experiences. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
- Seek Support: Talk to friends or a therapist about your experiences. External perspectives can help validate your feelings.
- Set Boundaries: It’s crucial to set boundaries with someone who gaslights you. Decide what behavior you won’t tolerate and stick to it.
- Document Interactions: Keeping a record of conversations can help you stay grounded in your reality.
- Consider the Relationship: Sometimes, the healthiest option is to distance yourself from the gaslighter.
Final Thoughts
Realizing that a close friend might have been gaslighting me was a tough pill to swallow. It meant reevaluating our relationship and recognizing the impact it had on my self-esteem. Gaslighting can be subtle, making it hard to identify, especially when it comes from someone you trust. But understanding and acknowledging it is the first step towards healing and reclaiming your reality. Remember, you have the right to your feelings, memories, and perceptions. Trust in them.
