How to Listen to Your Partner Without Becoming Defensive
Strategies for Effective Communication in Relationships
Even though my husband and I had been together for years before we got married. I didn’t know that I was horrible at effectively communicating in our relationship until after we were married.
This article is some of the things that I learned from couples counseling, trial and error, and reading many books.
Effective communication is the key to any successful relationship. In order to have a healthy relationship, both partners need to be able to listen to each other without becoming defensive. However, this can be easier said than done. When someone is sharing their thoughts or feelings, it’s natural to feel defensive or react emotionally. But reacting defensively can shut down communication and make it difficult to resolve conflicts. In this article, we’ll explore some strategies for how to listen to your partner without becoming defensive.
Practice active listening
Active listening means focusing on what the other person is saying, rather than thinking about your response. It involves paying attention to your partner’s words, tone, and body language. To practice active listening:
- Put away distractions, such as your phone or computer.
- Make eye contact and face your partner.
- Use nonverbal cues, such as nodding or smiling, to show that you’re paying attention.
- Reflect back on what your partner is saying to ensure that you understand their point of view.
Example: Let’s say your partner is upset because you forgot to do something important. Instead of getting defensive, you can practice active listening by saying, “I understand you’re upset because I forgot to do that.”
Use “I” statements
When you’re expressing your feelings to your partner, it’s important to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. “You” statements can come across as accusatory or critical, which can trigger defensiveness in the other person. “I” statements focus on your own feelings and experiences, which can help your partner understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
Example: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you can say, “I feel like my opinions aren’t being heard when we talk about this issue.”
Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions
Interrupting your partner or jumping to conclusions can make them feel like you’re not really listening to them. It’s important to give your partner the space to express themselves fully, without interrupting or assuming you know what they’re going to say.
Example: Let’s say your partner says, “I feel like you’re not pulling your weight around the house.” Instead of interrupting them to defend yourself, you can let them finish speaking and then say, “I understand that you feel that way. Can you give me some specific examples of what you mean?”
Validate your partner’s feelings
When your partner is sharing their feelings with you, it’s important to validate them. Validating your partner’s feelings means acknowledging that their feelings are real and important, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective.
Example: Let’s say your partner is upset because you didn’t call them when you said you would. Instead of dismissing their feelings by saying, “It’s not a big deal,” you can validate their feelings by saying, “I understand that you’re upset because I didn’t follow through on what I said I would do.”
Take a break if necessary
If you find yourself becoming defensive or emotionally overwhelmed during a conversation with your partner, it’s okay to take a break. Taking a break can give you time to calm down and process your emotions, which can help you come back to the conversation with a clearer head.
Example: Let’s say your partner is expressing frustration about something you did, and you feel yourself becoming defensive. You can say, “I’m feeling defensive right now, and I don’t think I can have this conversation in a productive way. Can we take a break and come back to it later?”
Takeaways:
- Practice active listening by focusing on what your partner is saying, rather than thinking about your response.
- Use “I” statements to express your feelings, rather than “you” statements that can come across as accusatory.
- Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions, and give your partner the space to express themselves fully.
- Validate your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with their perspective.
- If you find yourself becoming defensive or overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break and come back to the conversation later.
The bottom line
Learning how to listen to your partner without becoming defensive is an important skill for any healthy relationship. By practicing active listening, using “I” statements, avoiding interruptions and jumping to conclusions, validating your partner’s feelings, and taking breaks when necessary, you can create a safe and open environment for communication.
Remember, communication is a two-way street, and both partners need to be willing to listen and be heard in order to build a strong and healthy relationship.
